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Descriptive "Essay", Check?

k.hogberg
Medlem

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Registrerad: 2016-09-25
Inlägg: 2

Descriptive "Essay", Check?

Hi, I have an assignment due soon and it consists of making a descriptive essay with one introduction and one body paragraph. The text shall contain a maximum of 270 words and 15 sentences. I am done but I am worried that the text's sentences isn't built up correctly or that the text isn't descriptive enough.
The text is about My childhood room.
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As young I did not  have “A home”, not at least as Tv and cartoons described it. I do not remember the time before the divorce, my home just happened to be a disconnected puzzle. Mom over there, Dad over there, and me and my sister flipping from one side to the other like a endlessly pinball game. But although the pieces were scattered everywhere across our neighbourhood the pieces together still made a beautiful picture. Yet one piece always stayed in its place, my messy but vibrant room.


My room used to be my childish, anarchic sanctuary.
The rays of light stretching from the window always woke me up in the mornings, highlighting the soothing, pale-yellow walls with signs of vandalism caused by my crayon doodles. I felt like a princess sitting in my violet bunk bed gazing over my kingdom of queer furniture, valleys of clothes and loyal subjects of toys. However, it was always a mess, a casualty caused in the crossfire from me and my sister’s flamboyant imaginations while playing. Nonetheless, it was not the interior in my room that made it alive and mine. It was the memories getting stuck in the walls, the wooden floor, the toys and the Ikea furnitures.

 
Henrik E
Medlem

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Registrerad: 2015-09-22
Inlägg: 3189

Re: Descriptive "Essay", Check?

Very good! Two small errors in the first sentence: "young"->" a child", "not at least" ->"at least not". Two errors also in the phrase "a endlessly pinball game". The very last letter in the essay is an error too. But otherwise an excellent piece!

 


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