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Proofreading

Qetsiyah
Medlem

Offline

Registrerad: 2014-11-06
Inlägg: 228

Proofreading

Hejsansvejsan allihop! Jag skriver förnärvarnde en shortstory (=novell?) på engelskan, och jag skulle vara jättetacksam om någon kunde läsa den och ge en kommentar på hur bra/dålig den är.


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They were only solid pieces of sadness and misery, and they poisoned even the air. When she breathed her body cringed a little, because the sadness was too overwhelming. Like a wave of ice-cold water, but she wasn’t hit by a wave; she was in the water, constantly tormented by the inescapable misery.

    She has always wanted to get rid of them, to simply quit, but she couldn’t because it was hard for her to find another job. She does not know and has never known what the origin of her disdain is, the same way she doesn’t know who created all water.
     Their mouths could never stop gibbering, it seemed,( it seemed that there mouth coud never stop gibbering) but that is not the worst part; they gibbered about the same insignificant matters every time. The only time anything changes is when the boss comes by; they pitch their voices up slightly to turn the same uninteresting subject into the opposite. He fell for that trick every time, but maybe he just pretended every time to gladden them. The boss-role didn’t fit him, everyone knew it. She herself never joined any of their conversations, except for the first time and second time, the third time she talked with herself.
     The mug filled up with coffee so slowly it felt like waiting for hell to freeze over, and start burning again. That coffee machine was merely another reason for her to quit as soon as possible. As if her miserable colleagues weren’t enough.
    The CEO came by, “hi! [good morning?]” he said. A sudden impulse hit her like lightning. It was too strong to resist, and it told her to immediately do something to save herself from the tedious life she was living. Something had to be done, now(?). The squeaking noise of coffee spouting out of the machine pierced through her eardrum like a needle, and it reminded her of how literally boiling hot the beverage was, it would hurt to get that on ones’ face… The impulse took over. She grabbed the mug with her whole hand without thinking. Although not steaming, the ceramic was as hot as the coffee. When she noticed the burning sensation in her hand, it was already in midair. The mug flew through the air with the opening towards the victim. His hands were on their way to shield against the burning brown danger (beverage alliteration?), but they were too slow as it had already flown out of the mug. Instinctively he closed his eyes and with a splash the coffee hit his face.
    He stood there, screaming in agony, unable to move because of the intense shock. The coffee instantly burned his face red. Everyone became silent. The room filled up with a silence so dense you almost heard the drops of coffee fall through the air, hitting the floor with a distinctive sound. She reveled in his anguish and enjoyed the euphoric moment. Desperately he begged for a napkin, or ice, or cold water, anything for him to end his misery while the terrified colleagues sat still, staring at the epicenter.
   “You are the worst boss ever!/I quit!”, Like a [dog with bone?] dog she frolics (?) out of the office and slams the door behind her.

   The next day she felt dizzy like she usually did after daydreaming. Ever since she could remember she wasn’t able to tell a part dream and reality. It was like permanently floating between two worlds, unable to choose neither. For everybody else the two seemed so distant they didn’t need a boundary between them, but for her, it was as if she was the boundary...
   Yesterday’s incident could not be real, could it? She decided to go to that tedious place pretending nothing happened.
   At the front door(?),  (in front of the door) the fear started creeping into her mind. What if it was true? What if she did not daydream? What if she was fired? She wanted that sudden impulse she got in her dream, or reality, she couldn’t distinguish, to come back so that she could open the door to the cold ocean and get (acquire) her sentence. Either continue living in misery or being unemployed and having to search for a job again, both of which was equally miserable. Her (current?) boss was had been the only one willing to employ her at the time, and she was afraid it will be difficult to find a job again if the dream wasn’t a dream. The fear sank deeper and deeper into her and it felt like breathing the office’ air, even though the door wasn’t open.

    She didn’t get the sudden impulse, but she got something else that enabled her to open the door; a breeze of apathy. After all, both scenarios were equally unfavorable, so why did she have to worry? She opened the door. The squeaking sound of the hinges attracted all the eyes to her, and they stopped talking the second it was apparent how had come (tense-weirdness). There were still some people behind their cubicles who had not yet noticed her but once they understood what the silence was about they peeked above their screening, almost as terrified as yesterday. Although no one uttered a single word, she understood (,) yesterday was true. She looked around in shock, searching for something to say or something to do, anything, as long as she didn’t just stand there. Should she ask if the boss was okay or simply leave? Suddenly, one of her colleagues ran towards her with a post-it note, first struggling to get it off his hands, but after frenetically wrestling it off his hands he hastily ran back to the cloud of misery. It seemed to be from the boss, she read it:

Susan, you can’t work here anymore, you’re downright dangerous. I fear for all of us, not only your colleagues, but your future colleagues also, if your illness persists. When you’re reading this I’m very probably in the hospital, and I trust I don’t need to mention why. I didn’t bring the police into this because I know you had no part (you had no intention) in what happened, but I can’t let you work here anymore. (I have already fixed the papers?)

Bob

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Vår engelskalärare sa att den måste ha en conclusion, så kan den där lappen vara sammanfattningen?

Senast redigerat av Qetsiyah (2016-10-27 17:50)


Åk 9. Kan svara på de allra flesta NO-frågorna för nior cool. NO på andra plats efter matte. 320335. Lärde mig trigonometribaserna på egen hand, applåder tack. Jaaa tack så mycket tack tack tack... Engelska. Svenska. Kinesiska. 0.2spanska
 
Aya2002
Medlem

Offline

Registrerad: 2016-11-13
Inlägg: 22

Re: Proofreading

Grammar error: “As” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence. So in your phrase " As if her miserable colleagues weren’t enough.
The CEO came by", you should not make it as an individual sentence, you can put a come and begin the sentence, since you have written as, or you can just change the word. Hopefully I made myself clear.

Spelling error:  "there mouth coud never stop gibbering". By coud, I think you mean could?

Otherwise this is a very good text! Good job!


Hej! Jag heter Aya Omar och är 14 år gammal. Hjälper till med allt från matematik, NO, SO, Svenska och Engelska.
Kontakta mig på PM om du undrar något.
Besök gärna min webbsida: http://www.aya.alnayme.com
 


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